I have been at a loss for words over the last almost eight months.

Gulp.

There aren’t enough words in the English language to convey the amount of horror I have seen displayed across the world wide web, and in communities far and wide. The first few days after October seventh I felt like I was living in a stunned silence. I had been talking about the rise of antisemitism in small circles, and by and large through my blog for years, but since that October day, I find myself fully changed.

I had felt a resurgence of my ethnoreligious identity since late 2015. I full reconnected to practicing it in 2016 leaning into my faith to walk through life with multiple griefs for both my sister and my pregnancy losses. Here’s the thing, faith is personal, so is religion, but further more, it is also universal. To be a human on this planet, is to walk with faith whether it is in oneself, in a higher entity or with the calling within the natural world. The universality of humanity was something I had always leaned into. After October seventh, and the subsequent months since then, my humanity has been unwavering, but the churning whirlpools of my fellow humans severely concern me.

There have been days and weeks when I shut out the world—a privilege that I have, yes, and I go about my life with my family and friends. However, I want to say that in the back of my mind, I constantly feel in a state of hypervigilance.

Where would we run to?

What would we do?

What did my kindergartener talk about with friends today?
How do I lean into joy right here and right now?

Maintaining presence, be present Rachel, focus right here. Right now.

When will the hostages be released?
Did I read, “The Times of Israel?” today?

Refocus, Rachel, right here, right now, what can I do?

Mitzvot.

What actions can we channel today to pour more light into the world?

The clouds gather daily, but they dissipate when I focus on the light. The whirlpool of doubts are powerful none the less, but I have learned how to acknowledge the presence of them, and step aside to let them pass. Finding a way to seek a balance of information, pride in who I am, who my people are, and where I come from in the age of disinformation feeling like I am a part of a chronic act of tossing balls into the air and juggling.

Then I am reminded of something imperative.

Heineini.

I am here.

What a gift.

I am here for a reason.

I see my children before me.

I see the light reflected in their eyes.

What a gift.

What gratitude floods out from my heart.

May it be so that all of our hostages be released, now.

That all suffering worldwide be ended and hatred be put to rest.

The utopic principles of my heart are restitched whenever I see a reflection of light poured out from one hand reached out for another.

“Want to play with me?” I hear his little voice rise above the waves in my head.

Long quiet pause.

“That’s okay, I’ll be over here if you do.”

Watching his tiny and bold figure move to the other side of the sandbox.

Such acceptance and grace in such a tiny person.

What a mensch.

Humanity restored momentarily.