How are you….?
These three simple words are spoken by all of us. They are considerate, concise, and caring. Right? Absolutely. I appreciate them, I ask them myself, all the time. They almost seem to be a reflex of sorts.
Although, an inner part of me cringes when I am asked this question at times. Why? I’ll be completely forthright with the thoughts that flood in succession when I search for the response that I choose to share….
Because sometimes I’m not ok.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk.
Sometimes I don’t want to answer.
Sometimes I want to laugh.
Sometimes I want to cry.
Sometimes I want to punch something.
Sometimes I want to scream into the wind as I am driving on an empty road.
Sometimes I am really, really, scarily angry and sad at one time.
Sometimes I’m ok for a while.
And sometimes I just am and I wish not to share.
I release it when the emotions arise.
I laugh, I laugh loudly, and I laugh often.
I punch the air, I kick, I dance, I jump and work it out at my favorite place other than my home, D.D.
Our society sends mixed signals: Be ok at work, be ok here, be ok there, be ok everywhere, be you at home, be not here, be not with me, for I do not wish to see what you may see.
I choose not to suppress my emotions.
I will not mask them.
I will not pretend for others.
I will not choose denial as others so plainly do.
My life is to be lived authentically.
If someone does not like that, then that is their decision.
I believe that karma and one’s own inner battles will heal the wounds that gape open before them.
I will not partake in placation.
I do not pretend when not on the stage friends.
I see you.
I see me.
And I will do me, and you can do you.
I choose to live my life with honestly. I will not replace what was with something that eases the pain. I am going to breathe through those jabs, and stabs of fear when they rise up within me.
This is the level ground to which my heart is beating upon. I am not just in the throws of grief for my beloved sister. I am at a loss for other personal things that have transpired in the last year; and I wish not to share them with the world. And all of my experiences become these twists that build upon one another like a cyclone inside of my mind.
Oh how it spins, and spins, and spins.
My sweet husband asked me tonight, “Have you written lately?” To which I simply replied, “No.” This is why. I was not sure what I even wanted to say. I realize that is alright. It is after all, my blog, it is my prerogative, it is my life. So there it is. Real. Honest. Raw. My emotion with words stating the underlining meaning. Punctuating with syllables and letters, these thoughts now formed into words that lay before me.